Blessed

Over the last 3 1/2 months, my life has changed completely. I know that it does for everyone who finds out they are having a baby but I believe my change has gone deeper than I realized at first. For instance, I know I do not deserve the chance to be a mother right now but I feel blessed nonetheless for it. I have really been struggling so much with the guilt of how I got pregnant and that it happened outside the union of marriage. I make no excuses and have regrets... but I still cannot get over the immense feeling that this is the best thing to ever happen to me. I love this child so much and think about him constantly throughout the day. I think about what he will be like, how he will grow, if he will be athletic or smart, and if he will be like me or his father. But I always think of him with such gratitude that I cannot describe. A little over a year ago, I thought I had a disease that is shared by my mom and sister called P.C.O.S. that would prevent me from even having children. I got checked and everything was okay - I was clear. I was scared that I never would have the chance to be a mom and then I thought - Do I really want kids - it scared me bad - being in charge... I like to hang out and play but go home to sanity. But now, with Marcus Alan (our baby's name) I feel him kick and I find myself constantly touching my belly in eager anticipation for the next one. I take good care of myself now because I know he already depends on me. Some choices I have made in the past are no longer a question, I will always be able to be there in a second with no hesitation or problems.

To be honest with everyone including myself - I believe that this is the most defining thing I will ever be a part of...I will be a good wife but I want to be one heck of a mom. I cannot wait to see Marcus grow and talk and make me proud of who he is. My heart was full before I got pregnant but now its complete!